


Arthur Birling x Gerald Croft

by moderncorg



Category: 20th Century CE RPF, An Inspector Calls - Priestley
Genre: Homoeroticism, Homophobia, JB Priestly, M/M, Satire, an inspector calls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2019-03-04 18:44:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13370844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moderncorg/pseuds/moderncorg
Summary: When an inspector asks the Birling family about a young woman’s suicide, the topic of focus soon changes to a topic of homosexual origin.





	Arthur Birling x Gerald Croft

BIRLING: I've not yet experienced the vast joys of your frivolous lifestyle, Gerald.

_BIRLING raises his glass and GERALD follows_

GERALD: You're a reputable man, Mr. Birling. If one were to reenact your life they would be joyful beings, like yourself.

_BIRLING blushes and hides his face with his port glass_

BIRLING: Honestly, Gerald, don't try to flatter a man of my age. I am nothing but a prosperous man with an unattractive wife!  
GERALD: Be cautious, Arthur. May I call you Arthur?  
BIRLING: Can you? Please! You can address me as Arty.  
SYBIL: Arthur, that is a nickname only exchanged by you and I during our most erotic transactions. I deem it odd that you decide to expand its usage. Anyway, Inspector, I must ask why you're here this late at night.  
INSPECTOR GOOLE: Well actually-

_BIRLING stands before SYBIL and smashes his port glass onto the table. INSPECTOR GOOLE is silenced._

BIRLING: Sybil, what have I said about your position in this household? The Birling household. Women have no say in topics relevant to men! Learn your place and adhere to the standards expected of women.  
INSPECTOR GOOLE: That's rather unnecessary, Mr. Birling.  
SHEILA: Father, you shouldn't be so egregiously impertinent to mother, she's only speaking what is on her mind and-  
GERALD: Alright, Sheila, we understand Mrs. Birling's intention. We don't require elaboration on your behalf, my dear.

_SYBIL rises from her seat and reaches her hand towards SHEILA._

SYBIL: Come on, Sheila. Join me in the drawing room.  
SHEILA: But, mother, what reason have I to go?  
SYBIL: It is not our place to interfere with a man's business.  
INSPECTOR GOOLE: They should stay, this includes them also.  
BIRLING: Quick, women- what? How would a police investigation involve these two women?  
INSPECTOR GOOLE: If you'd listen to what I have to say rather than interrupt me, you will know soon enough.  
GERALD: Well that's something unusual. My Sheila and your Sybil involved in illicit activities!

_BIRLING and GERALD laugh amongst themselves as SYBIL escorts SHEILA from the dining area._

INSPECTOR GOOLE: Do not leave, ladies, you are required to listen.

_SHEILA and SYBIL stop their journey and return to their seats dubiously._

ERIC: Was that really necessary?  
BIRLING: Oh, please. Necessary? Of course it was required. Those women are just interruptions to our work.   
SHEILA: I'm not hard of hearing, father. I can hear you.  
GERALD: I'm afraid I'll have to disagree with you, Arty. Sheila and I are very content with conversing about business. You'll be surprised how intelligent some females are.

_BIRLING adjusts his bow-tie and swallows loudly._

BIRLING: No, you're right, Gerald. I've mistaken myself for a fool. I suppose women can contribute some sense into formal conversations regarding crucial business.  
ERIC: I don't think that is entirely truthful, Father.  
BIRLING: You don't believe that I'm being genuine?  
ERIC: No, I do not. You see this young man with a reputable business, flourishing above all of the rest. Just admit it, father, this is a business scheme! You're deceiving-

_BIRLING stands before ERIC, raising his chest towards ERIC's direction._

BIRLING: I would display my discontentment in the form of verbal acceleration, boy, but I see you're indulging in your favoured beverage.

_ERIC looks down at the glass of port in his hands._

BIRLING: I'm not as ignorant as you think I am. Have a damned shower for once, Eric, you smell of your mother's antique vagina.  
INSPECTOR GOOLE: Please! Stop these qualms immediately.  
ERIC: Tell us why you're here then, Inspector.  
INSPECTOR GOOLE: This evening a young female came into the infirmary, she'd consumed a detergent product, she intentionally drank it to end her life.  
BIRLING: How is this relevant to us, Inspector?  
INSPECTOR GOOLE: Well I believe she was in your workforce, Birling. Do you recall an employee that went by the name of Eva Smith?  
BIRLING: I don't believe I do, whoever it was I don't recall them. I have many people under my employment. But please, Inspector, why is this relevant?

_INSPECTOR GOOLE yields a brown leather wallet from his inner coat pocket and places it in front of BIRLING._

INSPECTOR GOOLE: Here is an image of her, before she'd killed herself of course.  
BIRLING: Oh.  
SHEILA: What is it father? Do you recognise her?  
BIRLING: I remember her. She was in my employment a few years ago.  
INSPECTOR GOOLE: So you're familiar with her, did you know her well, Mr.Birling?  
BIRLING: As I recall, she'd caused trouble, started a rebellion in the workplace.

_INSPECTOR GOOLE lowers the image and inserts it back into his brown leather wallet._

INSPECTOR GOOLE: What did the rebellion entail?  
BIRLING: She'd requested a pay rise, despite my opposition and provided ultimatum. She really did cause unnecessary inconvenience, her vast influence had inspired other workers to pursue her diabolical actions. I'd no other option than to fire her.  
INSPECTOR GOOLE: But that wasn't the reason was it, Birling?  
BIRLING: Excuse me, Inspector? I have no idea what you're talking about. What I said is the truth, if you deem my statements false then you've been mistaken. And I would appreciate it if you would leave my house immediately.

_BIRLING paces towards centre door, bringing his wine glass with him_

INSPECTOR GOOLE: I don't think so, Arthur.  
BIRLING: Address me only as Mr.Birling, inspector. Such colloquial terminology is only expected of my close associates.  
GERALD: It is quite rude for a man to intrude on another man's household, this late in the evening. I must say, Inspector, have you no common courtesy of waiting until sunrise?

_INSPECTOR GOOLE leans in close to GERALD, producing a similar shaped picture before GERALD_

GERALD: Oh my. H-how did you acquire this?  
BIRLING: What is it, Gerald?  
GERALD: Who do you work for? How did you get this?

_GERALD rises abruptly and slams his fist on the table, startling the room. SHEILA and SYBIL converse among each other, exchanging solemn looks._

GERALD: Look, I have no interest for your business. Leave us and take that thing away from this building.  
SHEILA: What did he show you?  
GERALD: It doesn't matter, it really doesn't. It's just another marketing scheme to entrap the prosperous populations.  
SHEILA: From your apprehensive matter I can infer that you're quite displaced from your accustomed hinges.  
INSPECTOR GOOLE: It does seem that you're extraordinarily discomforted with the image. Perhaps it's the sudden guilt, that overwhelming thought that piercing you indiscriminately. You can try to shield it and you can try to hide what is factual, but it will all surface in the end.  
SYBIL: What on earth is the Inspector talking about, Gerald?

_SHEILA pushes through the shoulders of INSPECTOR GOOLE and SYBIL. Heading towards GERALD._

SHEILA: You've been having an affair haven't you, Gerald. I knew it.  
GERALD: No, dear-  
SHEILA: Stop! Don't defend yourself! Do you think I'm incompetent? I have the abilities to gain intel on your activities.

_INSPECTOR GOOLE clears his throat and steps towards GERALD and SHEILA._

INSPECTOR GOOLE: You've miscalculated the investigation, my dear. Your fiancé hasn't been having an affair.  
SHEILA: Oh.  
BIRLING: Stupid girl, you were quick to assume the worst of that prestigious boy, be ashamed of yourself.  
INSPECTOR GOOLE: Your fiancé has been copulating with your father.

_Everyone in the room is overtaken by the overwhelming silence prevailing the port glasses and laced table cloths._

ERIC: I thought you were here for an investigation regarding the suicide of young woman.  
INSPECTOR GOOLE: Well, yes. Every lower class woman does that so that isn't a surprise.  
SHEILA: Gerald! Father? I don't know what to say.

_SYBIL collapses onto the floor, her beaded necklace dismantling, scattering across the area._

INSPECTOR GOOLE: Abhorrent. That might be the word you're looking for.  
ERIC: And I thought I was squiffy.

_ERIC laughs._

INSPECTOR GOOLE: Shameful. It really is.  
BIRLING: I embrace it.  
INSPECTOR GOOLE: What was that?

_BIRLING descends from the darkness and appears in front of the candle lit chandelier._

BIRLING: I embrace it. The social requirements of males these days are too much for me to bare and sometimes a tight sphincter is what my biological imperative yearns for.  
GERALD: Please, Arty, don't-  
BIRLING: No, Gerald. We've hidden it long enough.

_BIRLING takes GERALD's had from underneath the table cloth and he grips onto him, forcing GERALD to raise._

BIRLING: 'A man must look after himself,' is a philosophy you all know dictates my lifestyle. When I met my wife, your mother, I thought what I was experiencing was eroticism and genuine passion but that was mistaken for my dire need of acquiring your mother's higher social status.

_SYBIL chokes on her a bead from her pearl necklace and mutters._

SYBIL: I loved you! But now you're a putrid faggot.  
BIRLING; I'm an amazing faggot, my dear. That loose-hanging flesh attached to your groin never did satiate my sexual desires. I learnt how to really make love when I glided my pulsing dick into Gerald's attenuated moist anal crevasse.  
ERIC: Please, I'm trying to render myself intoxicated.  
INSPECTOR GOOLE: Wait, so you're not ashamed of the secret homosexual relationship transpiring against your family's knowledge.  
BIRLING: I thought about it and I guess not. I mean, come on. Do you really think a nice twink, slender-bodied man would like that revolting woman.  
SHEILA: I'm not that bad.  
BIRLING: Totally. Eva Smith didn't laugh at you because your slightly overweight body didn't suit the horribly fitting gown you trialed. Eva Smith may be dead but she had a sense of fashion, sweetie.

_BIRLING clicks his fingers over his head, suddenly overcome by his effeminate mannerisms._

GERALD: Sheila, this isn’t what it look like.  
SHEILA: Well what does it look like, Gerald? My father is fondling your testicles in front of everyone.

_BIRLING fondles GERALD’s testicles._

GERALD: Oh. Arty, please, honey.  
BIRLING: Fuck, I just can’t contain myself.  
INSPECTOR GOOLE: I honestly have no idea what I’ve just intruded on. I came to announce a shameful secret but it seems as though you’re embracing such deeds.  
ERIC: They say these sodomites fuck each other in bins.

_BIRLING removes his shoe, pelting it at ERIC’s drooping face. ERIC screams while clutching onto his bottle of port._

BIRLING: Now, son, I may like to plough through the anus of this man but that doesn’t mean you should vilify our relationship. Marriage between two men isn’t an immoral thing, it is the most natural thing you could ever embrace.  
GERALD: Marriage?  
BIRLING: Yes. Marriage, Gerald.  
SHEILA: Gerald, you’re betrothed to me.

_BIRLING kneels onto the floor, taking a leather package from his pocket. He opens it, within the package he displays an emerald ring. GERALD blushes._

GERALD: Oh my, Arty.  
BIRLING: I know it’s soon but I feel that this is right. Your presence enlightens my cold, withering heart. When you look at me, those emerald eyes lace between my legs, I’ve never wanted to engage in amorous relations with a pair of eyes in my entire life. If you would happily take my-  
GERALD: Yes. Yes!  
BIRLING: You will marry me?

_GERALD flings himself towards BIRLING, crying into his ear and wailing gleefully while the others watch them indulge in each other’s arms._

SYBIL: Arthur!  
SHEILA: Gerald!  
BIRLING: Let’s go, Gerald, we have an entire world to see with our new-found love.  
GERALD: I love you, Arty.  
BIRLING: I love you too, Gerald.

_GERALD and BIRLING exit the room, leaving the room in silence. SYBIL cries as she collects the remaining beads from the floor. SHEILA collapses, ERIC drinks his port and INSPECTOR GOOLE ignites the end of his cigar. The curtains close and the room goes dark._


End file.
